Small Practices to Support Patterns of Psychological Flexibility and Self-Care
Following the 6 hashtags of part one, here the authors go deeper into everyday small practices that can foster resilience and wellbeing through psycholgical flexibility.
More to come, let's proceed gradually so that you can encompass those practices in your everyday life. For good.
Mindfulness as an informal practice
Mindfulness is not only formal meditation, it is an attitude of gentle and fully awake attention we can all bring into little actions and moments of self-awareness throughout our days.
Practice gentle, curious, and open attention on purpose several times during the day, just for a few moments at a time, such that you strengthen this skill. Start small and doable. Embed this practice in activities of daily living - activities that you are already doing, such as making breakfast, taking a shower, walking, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, etc., so that it constitutes no extra effort.
Over the course of your day, what percentage of time are you right here, right now versus ‘time-traveling’? That is, worrying about the future and what might happen, or ruminating about the past, about things you should have done, or didn’t do, etc.? Most people notice that they are actually in the present moment for limited time each day.
Pay attention on purpose briefly, at various points of the day, while engaged in daily activities. It is helpful to simply bring your awareness gently to the present by slowing down, and either noticing what you are experiencing with your 5-senses, or alternately, pausing, check in with yourself with these simple questions: How am I doing? What is it that I most need right now?
Pay purposeful attention to even small things that are meaningful, and to practice bringing awareness to things that you are grateful for, for example, drinking a cup of coffee, feeling the softness and warmth of the bed in the morning, kissing your child’s forehead at bedtime, or a quiet moment before sleep.
Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean tolerance, or “getting used to” stressors. It refers to an awareness of, and openness to, the inevitable sadness and stress that are part of life, and the flip side of joy, without struggle. One context in which non-acceptance can show up for parents is when you feel you have made mistakes, or failed, in child-rearing duties. This tends to engage your critical minds and evokes thoughts like you are not enough. You are a terrible parent. You are a mess compared to other parents.
It also evokes a struggle to “feel better,” which can compound and intensify the situation, thus occupying so much of parents’ mental bandwidth that they have none left to be truly present and connected with their children. Resist the urge to immediately jump in to ‘fix’ things or problem-solve them away.
It is ok not to be ok.
This is a struggle for all of us. See if you can make a space to notice those thoughts and feelings; see if you can soften yourself around them, breathe into them. Simply allowing yourself to be vulnerable may help you carry these difficult experiences more gently, with less effort. (Check the link to the wonderful and famous TED talk of Brene Brown on vulnerability)
Defusing from Painful Thoughts
If you are feeling stressed, take a few moments to slow yourself down, and notice the process of your thinking. You may notice your mind is pulling you this way and that, or going a hundred miles an hour. See if you can bring your curiosity to your thoughts - slow down each one - imagine stretching it out like taffy, and add to it the stem, “I’m noticing the thought…” or “My mind is giving me the thought…” Take a few moments to do this “thought spotting” exercise, and as one thought passes, be curious about what the next thought is that might arise. Practice this a few times throughout the day, when you think of it, and notice anything about this experience that surprises you, or that you didn’t expect.
In essence, this practice supports mindful awareness of, and detachment from, one’s thoughts such that you are better able to notice and be influenced by the relevant cues in your environment.
Perspective-Taking
Humans often have a difficult time observing their own behavior, especially in real time. We are so often in our heads, it may be a challenge to track or notice the effects of our behavior on others. It is this insensitivity that factors into the intransigence of our rigid and unhelpful patterns of behavior, such as coercion. During calm moments, try to reflect back, for example, on interactions with your children, as follows:
When you have a few moments to yourself, pause, and see if you can imagine yourself as you were earlier today, when you felt like you were struggling. Slow down, and notice yourself in action, as though you were watching yourself on a movie screen. Notice your face, your tone of voice; notice whatever thoughts and feelings show up in the moment. Notice what is happening between you and your child - see if you can notice their face, how they are looking at you. What might their experience be? What patterns do you see?
In doing so, you may become more aware of potentially unhelpful patterns - such as denial of self-care, automatic pilot (when we just react, automatically), or avoidance. You may also notice and appreciate your own “wins,” of which you may be unaware.
Lisa W. Coyne et al, 2020 - in press (Behaviour Analysis in Practice)
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