The power of rituals in facilitating adjustment and strengthening relationships when we separate and rejoin with children (and youths).
Rituals are powerful tools, they differ in quantity and quality in different cultures, but play a similar if not equal role. Some could say that in Western cultures we lost many of the rituals that can guide and support the ways an individual can process meaningful life events with the support of their community. These days, we need rituals more than ever!
Rituals are not only useful and precious for major life events like a birthday, a wedding or a loss. They find a relevant place in everyday experiences, because of their function.
A ritual can make an experience tangible, making the transition between a state and another more visible and clear; it can connect the physical elements of the experience with the associated emotion, building a bridge. The clarification of the transition process provides a feeling of well-being, because it helps us to define and make sense of the experience.
When we facilitate a ritual we give meaning, we narrate the experience and we organise it: this is important since we as humans have a drive to find meaning to what happens to us, particularly to identify if it is something good to be experienced, or something dangerous to be avoided. The brain will do this job, whether we are aware of it, or not.
It is easy to understand how much we can help children and youth (who have different developmental characteristics and resources, intertwined with powerful social and emotional needs) by creating a hello-goodbye ritual that states and confirms the psycho-physical safety of the relationship.
Here are some aspects to be aware of when you want to create a ritual for separation and reconnection, with a focus on ages 0-6 thanks to dr.ssa Sara Andreozzi, and some reflections on older children and teens: enjoy!
the ritual creates a line of continuity in transitions helping the young person get an orientation and experience safety
the ritual starts the evening before, it does not happen only at the time of saying goodbye. For example, we can use the game of preparing for the day after: starting around 2 years of age it is possible to involve the child in making choices, the adult will play the role of proposing sustainable and not overwhelming choices e.g. what do you choose between these 2 pairs of socks? Oh I see, you chose the green pair, let's put it in your backpack!'. For older children and pre-teens it is still a precious opportunity to learn to take care of their belongings while developing organization and planning skills. The choice aspect will be different for teenagers, who still need the guidance of the adult to train an age appropriate decision-making process, with a specific approach from the adult who is aware of their developmental skills and needs
take care of the quality of sleep, because good quality of sleep is a condition for being able to emotionally and physically sustain a routine. While this is probably very clear to parents re. young children, it is important to also help teenagers have healthy sleep habits e.g. modeling healthy behaviour and implementing effective age appropriate norms for the use of computers and other devices
the 'good morning' moment: it's the ouverture of one's day, so it's an important part of the ritual. In order to be able to say 'good morning' in a way that sets the child/teen up for the day, we can't be in a rush: do take care of your personal ritual as a parent and plan with the other adult in the house. Being in a rush can be an exception, it doesn't help if it's the norm. Working on this aspect can provide great benefit to the whole family.
take care of the rhythm! If the rhythm of our actions within the morning routine is too slow, the child will easily get lost missing the continuity element, while if it's too rushed, it will create confusion
when they wake up, children like: repetition (that goes together with predictability) and pleasure: if they're young (0-6) this means a playful approach (which does not mean making them overexcited). Probably no teen will be in the mood for a playful activity when just out of bed :) but a calm and smiley environment and communication style will serve the purpose
for young children the ritual continues underlying and taking care of all transitions: going out of the door, entering the car or walking towards school, crossing the street before entering, ... e.g. comment the experience with a 'smiley' voice, say goodbye to the door, describe what you are about to do without getting over-detailed, ... a tip: don't use 'see you later' because 'later' is not clear for a child 0-6
sometimes we have in mind to do the ritual of goodbye inside the school building, but the child will have a lot of other stimuli in that context. For the ritual to play its role of making meaning and creating pleasure, we need to make a little time outside the school and make use of non verbal and sensory cues. Some examples: a little song about saying bye bye, with a focus on the tone of the voice; an object like a feather to caress and create some 'magic', ... be creative!
if you are entering the school: saying hi to the educator, to the school 'hello school, oh what a wonderful light/smell I notice today' sharing it with the child, ...
anticipating the sequence of moments of the day: 'now you're going to do this activity with your teacher, then play outside, then have your lunch, do your nap, do another activity and then I will come to collect you (or grandma or nanny, ...)'
close with a shared 'goodbye' gesture and word, with love, openness and firmness
It is important to send a message of safety with firmness when leaving, if this does not happen, the child will perceive that it actually makes sense for her to cry or be scared. Let's take care of our part of the separation and of the emotions involved: we want to send the message that 'we are convinced that this is the best place for you to be in this developmental stage'.
In order for us to develop this feeling, we need to make sure we speak with the teachers (in an age appropriate way and frequency) asking the questions we need to, in the direction of building an educational alliance.
Reconnecting is, first of all, about showing your child that they're seen!
When we collect children, we often start straight away with talking to the other adult, teacher or educator, while the first, most important thing to do is to show the child how happy we are to reconnect: eye contact, a smile, a caress, a hug. With young children, going down to their level can facilitate the efficacy of our action. It is recommended not to use food as an element of the ritual.
Older children and teenagers, when they reconnect with you, they will benefit from this same intention behind your actions: do take care of the quality of your presence, the choice of your words and the nonverbal part of your communication, it will be a powerful brick in the continuous building of a safe, healthy and nourishing parent-child relationship!
Comentarios