The first article from our Survey on Students’ voice speaks openly to us adults who, in the words of Alberto Pellai, need to be role models: "imperfect, still modeling".
Phase two starts today, May 4th, and I'd like to start by sharing the words our students expressed to adults in the survey on students' voice. The words of Italian psychologist Alberto Pellai touch on a couple of essential aspects of parenting in this delicate time:
"In the lockdown many of us, in the midst of a thousand difficulties, have however lived very, very intense lives. For us families there have been endless challenges to overcome. Phase 2 will perhaps be even more complex than Phase 1, in many ways.
We will still have a lot of frustration to tolerate. And we parents will have to continue to manage this frustration for our children as well. It won't be easy, but we'll do it.
As Luis Sepulveda - who didn't survive this pandemic - wrote, "life is measured by the intensity with which you live". And when we are in front of our kids, we fully understand the concept of "life intensity". We will have to continue to be role models. Which does not mean perfect. Imperfect, still modelling".
During the #lockdown, while I was connecting with a group of students online, one of them expressed the feeling that no one was speaking about teenagers acknowledging their effort in this situation. The same student expressed a difficulty in trusting there are ways for them to express their thoughts, that would make them be listened to by adults.
So I thought we could help.
Our survey had the aim of offering a guided reflection to students and to let the #students’ #voice be heard. It is a call to action for us adults to make sure this unprecedented time is not just a time we need to survive, but an important chance to act as mindful educators.
160 students between age 11 and 18 chose to make time to answer the survey questions, I want to express #gratitude for them all for the participation, for letting our community feel closer to what they are experiencing these days.
Let's stop and think: what words did we address to our teenagers in these months of lockdown?
Did we find time to tell them they are important?
Did we acknowledge their particular effort in managing this situation?
Teenagers are trying to maintain their #motivation, while they temporarily lost the possibility of being in that 'outside dimension' which is their elective context of experience, the one among peers, outside the family, where they test themselves by searching for a delicate and difficult #balance between risk and resilience, between visibility, isolation and self-acceptance.
Adults sometimes tend to expect that teenagers either obey or rebel, but there's clearly much more than that, there is their ability to make healthy #decisions as a means of self-care.
We are led to think that teens are either not very #responsible, or that they are very #vulnerable. Limiting our perspective to this, we miss the opportunity to help adolescents identify the resources they have within themselves, those they are using to deal with this health emergency. In their own way.
It is not easy for an adult to talk to teenagers in ways that they will listen, yet listening to them is something that we can always do, leaving the door open so they know they can enter: they will do when they feel respected, not judged, looked at with love and understanding for their pathway of growth, even in presence of the sometimes challenging words and gestures that can characterize their way of expressing themselves.
This article focuses on our need to ask ourselves how students are doing, not actually with the expectation for them to speak to us about it - this will depend on their story and on the context, that can at times make them choose silence. Silence is not always wrong or scary, it is part of their journey into adulthood.
Adults can become fine observers, and creators of situations in which teens can truly see and make use of their own strengths.
WHAT DO TEENAGERS ASK TO THE ADULTS AROUND THEM NOWADAYS?
The survey asked students the following question: What is the most important thing adults can do to support people your age to cope?
"Be empathetic, keep us entertained, talk to us, ask if there is anything they could do to help"
Students’ answers to this question touch on different topics, that move from their need for being understood and #respected, to identifying parents as resources for #motivation, correct #information, #ideas to help them pass the time at home and help with #schoolwork when needed.
“Help them engage in what they’re doing"
“I would say adults should help kids with schoolwork because it is hard to stay focused and organized when you are at your computer all day.”
“Provide things to keep busy and advice on how to keep motivated”
"Parents can propose to play some games or talk with each other, maybe the children don't want to but they know that the parents want to spend some time with them"
"Check up on us once in a while, however, in a situation that is already suffocating, we need space to organize our thoughts and emotions"
"We are all different, so I’d say: talk with them and understand what they need from you".
"Adults can both give us free space and privacy while also creating a bond through these difficult times"
Many students ask adults to be understanding, to make the effort to see things from a teenager’s #perspective and to promote a #calm environment at home. One aspect of what kids ask adults to understand is the importance of #technology these days. Interestingly, a student asks their parents to be less involved in social media and spend more time with them.
"Connect and understand"
"Be understanding. This is the time for adults to think back of when they were our age and (typically) had free spirits that didn't like to be locked away".
"Understand that we feel trapped by staying home"
"Try to see our perspective as well - things that might not seem stressful to them are major problems for us. #School and #grades, for example, are something many of us are struggling with, and adults might not understand the pressure we're facing right now, as they've got bigger concerns going on (e.g. work)".
"Understand that we are also missing contact with others and that technology is a way to communicate with friends".
"Limit time in social media and spend more time with us so that everyone enjoys this situation as much as possible".
"Be patient and understanding being a little calmer if we do things we shouldn't"
"Transmit calm"
"Not get mad if we need a day of resting"
"Be there for us and allow us choices"
"Be by our side, if not physically virtually, show availability and support in case of need".
Some students acknowledge the role of parents in making them respect the lockdown. A number of them ask adults to keep them #informed about the situation:
"Inform us so we feel valued"
"Don't panic, discuss and face this problem, explain to kids what is happening and not hide it because you are scared of the reaction"
"If something is happening and we are not told about it because we are deemed 'too young' then it makes us feel #undervalued. If we are told about the news and explained it, then it will help us cope and we can make calculated decisions".
A student expresses worry and compassion towards the teenagers who might live in abusive households. "The worse thing for people my age is oftentimes having to be stuck in abusive households".
Some students ask their parents to not just talk about COVID-19, "there’s no need to let the situation consume you 24/7".
Students mainly referred to parents in their answers to this question, but those who addressed their answers to #teachers asked for patience and comprehension: "Just let us know that if we need help you will be there and be comprehensive with certain #deadlines".
One message seems to summarize the majority of thoughts students expressed regarding the support parents can provide them with, now and probably throughout their adolescence:
“Personally, I feel extremely supported at home. My parents are very transparent, namely they discuss what's happening with me and we reflect on the situation together. So I think I am informed and updated, and this helps me to cope. Other important factors that enable me to face this challenging situation is that my mom spends much time with me when I am not studying. We cook together, watch movies, play board games, do some gardening, look at pictures of past vacations, etc. When I want to stay on my own in my room, this is respected, so there is the right balance in terms of approach. Adults should be present and not hide what's going on. They should make sure you feel serene and motivated. This is what my parents do and I think this is why I am not encountering any difficulties whilst on lockdown”.
A last message to all adults:
"We are young, and we have #dreams that can’t be accomplished right now".
So what can we, adults, do to help teenagers cope during the COVID-19 pandemic, and beyond?
This is, for us, an opportunity for awareness, the awareness of our approach, our words, our behaviours: take time to ask yourself what you think about the experience of teenagers these days and how these thoughts have shaped your actions and communications; take time to ask yourself what kind of attention you have been paying to the adolescents you interact with, what kind of words and looks you have been sharing with them, and what approach you want to take, or to continue with, in #Phasetwo.
Let's make wise use of their answers as something that we can use to deeply connect with them and to shape the daily interactions based on the awareness that every gesture, every choice in communication can strengthen our relationship with them, which will remain beyond this situation as a secure base for them to keep growing and thriving.
Their experiences are different, but we have the chance to ask, to propose, to keep the door open, to ensure the #educational role is maintained, to help them follow the rules that are essential for safety by involving them, through clarity, calm and understanding.
This is what is useful for adults to be aware of: not really what to do, which will vary from situation to situation, but actually how to communicate and what messages you will choose pass while interacting:
we are there, we understand, we guide.
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